Ample Laughs Ahead

Tragic singer, horrible dancer and surreal raconteur are the first words that describe Dina Martini in her bio. Scroll to the next paragraph and you will see snippets from reviews, one describing her as "painfully funny and demented."

Then a picture of Martina appears, with Barnum & Bailey-approved make-up and lips that would make a Collagen addict jealous. It all seemed so mysterious and conflicting.

Then we had our chat and it quickly made sense. Quirky, tacky and hilarious- Dina Martina, the brilliant alter-ego of Seattle-based Grady West, will be gracing San Francisco this weekend with her latest show, Ample Wattage.

Ronn Vigh: I must admit that I was not very familiar with your work. However, when researching you, there was a common thread of people saying "Explaining Dina to people who have never seen her perform before is difficult!" So, how would you explain yourself to a Dina Martina newbie?

Dina Martina: I was always taught that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all; so I just describe the shows as "a fantastic sequence of haphazardly associative imagery, as seen in dreams or fever."

You're performing in San Francisco at Rebel on May 16, 17, and 18. What are the first three things that come to mind when you think of San Francisco?

Well there's the Alamo, obviously, and of course the cable cars make me think of macaroni & cheese, but also... didn't chocolate start here?

Your home base is Seattle.... not too far but not too close to the Bay. What makes Dina Martina a Seattle girl?

I grew up in Las Vegas but I've lived in Seattle for a long time now. First off, it's an attractive, moist region. Second off, I don't know if it's the weather or the salt air or what, but something in Seattle attracts peeps who are down to Earth. Not only are they not afraid to be too politically correct, but they're also fashion-unconscious. And they're real -- they feel, they touch, they smell.

How did you wind up feeling, touching and smelling your way to the stage?

My mother entered me into the Young Miss Las Vegas Pageant when I was four, and I sang a lovely piece by Beethoven in the talent competition. I won, and things really took off from there. I did a lot of cereal commercials -- mostly breakfast cereals -- and shampoo commercials and I was the original Johnson's Thumbtacks Girl. When I was 18, I modeled for a while, for the Braille edition of Vogue.

You're doing three nights of Ample Wattage at Rebel. What's the show all about?

Well there's no theme, if that's what you mean. I avoid themes because themes tend to breed expectations, which I try to steer clear of. So, without giving too much away, I'll drop a few hints; you may or may not see live fireworks displays, white carriages under the stars, shivering girls in short skirts and high heels, rusty Iceberg lettuce, live violin dubstep routines featuring Judith Light, a school bus with chickens, and an elevator that only goes down.

Yelp is big these days. If you had to leave a short review of your show, what would your Yelp review be?

"When money's no object, it's worth it!" Or maybe, "If you've got the time, it's really not worth missing!"

Do you have any pre-show rituals to get you ready for your performance?

Every night, my pre-show meal is something my grandmother used to make: a simple mixture of raisins, butter and Crisco in a bowl; and then also I do 200 hot nude squat thrusts.

How about any post-show rituals to help you wind down??

I'm a cutter, so usually some bloodletting for about 15 minutes and I'm out like a light.

Fun fact: A take out/delivery sushi restaurant recently opened in the kitchen of Rebel! I hope you don't mind the smell of raw fish while you're performing.

Mind it? I love it! That means I can leave my halibut cheek-scented Glade Plug-Ins at home! I love sushi because it doesn't hurt my tender gums.

Mentioning your gums, that eminds me of your make-up! It always stands out. Can you give those in need any surefire Dina Martina make up tips?

First off, I always use light upward sweeps to protect the delicate crow's feet. I actually prefer to call them "facial pleats," but that's a personal choice. I also use an eyelash curler on my mouth to create that "fuller lip" look. But my favorite beauty secret to looking your best is very simple: Slow, consistent weight gain.

I'm on that path for sure. Besides Ample Wattage, you have an annual Christmas show. Is that your favorite holiday?

Sure! I love it because it's a tiny window of time when people exhibit good manners and goodwill toward their fellow peeps, or at least pretend to. I also love it because they wear their nicest clothes and those adorable cross necklaces with a little man on it.

When you come to San Francisco, your show is sandwiched between Mother's Day weekend and Memorial Day Weekend. If you had the power to declare May 16-18 a National Holiday, what would you declare it??

Mammarial Day.

Dina Martina performs At Rebel, 1760 Market St., San Francisco on May 16, 17, 18. 2 Shows on Friday and Saturday. $20-$25. One show Sunday. www.DinaMartina.com www.brownpapertickets.com