Big Brother 12, Week 8 :: I'm Telling You

Welcome, my Big Brother Family and Friends. This week we are nearing the end of the season, and the weekly schedule has been changed up a bit. Our next chance to watch an eviction is going to be this Wednesday's "Special" episode, which will also include the Power of Veto Ceremony.

So for this week, since I can't write about who's going home and who's staying, I just thought I would write a bit to the last evicted houseguest and the Final Four. If I could sit down with these people one on one, here is what I would say. (This is also a glimpse into what is being screamed at my TV when I am watching.)

Ragan

Listen up my fellow homosexual Big Brother Alumnus, I am so sorry they voted you out. I have to say I really didn't see it coming--I kinda expected Britney not to vote for you and it would come down to Lane's decision. Would he have kept you? It's hard to say; it would kinda be like asking 250 lbs. of raw beef to explain why we should buy it.

In any event, I think you played a great game. You came in 2nd place on so many Endurance competitions, and yet you remained in the house. You mixed it up by throwing some comps and some you fought hard and just lost. In the end you let the absolute worst competitor in the house beat you in the most important POV comp of your game.

I would love to interject some witty comment about why you deserve to leave, but I honestly can't. You fought your hardest, you played with heart, and if I could give you one piece of advice it would be, "Try not to cry so much, it kinda makes us homos look week." But good try, buddy...

Hayden

I am really on the fence with you. Yes, you have won a couple competitions; yes, you have guaranteed yourself a spot in the final 3; and yes, you were in the 'Brigade' that was secretly in control for most of the game.

Hayden, I gave you your sugar, now you gots to take your Medicine. You did nothing of any value in the game. Basically, you were a part of an alliance that was carried through the first half of this game by a member that you decided you wanted out. In my opinion (liking him personally or not), Matt was the mastermind of your alliance, and without him you would have never made it as far as you did.

Now what you should do, if you wanna win: keep Enzo. The only comp this guy is gonna win is 1st place at a 'I am a bigger douche bag then all of the Jersey Shore cast' competition. Enzo is a sure bet to take you to the final two, but if you have to choose between Brit or Lane, I have to say either. One is dumb as a box of rocks, and the other has no chance of winning a physical comp (you figure who is who.)

Lane

First let me say for the record that me and you are of no relation, although it seems half the Big Brother watchers have tweeted or FB messaged me asking how we are related.

I will say, though, that much like myself you are a strikingly handsome man, and since I have this opportunity to address you personally, would you be interested in going on a date with me... wait, I got lost in the moment, I am suppose to give you my opinion of game play and I just asked you out! I need to focus.

Lane, I think you're a big, cute, dumb, cuddly bear that doesn't deserve to be in the spot you are because--same as Hayden--you floated along in an alliance with a mastermind that played the game for you. So I realize by saying that you aren't going to take me on a date, but at least I am honest. With that being said can I get a look at your junk?

Sorry, back to facts. If you are able to bring someone to the final three, I would bring Enzo. Again, he sucks at physical and mental competitions (yes, I am basically telling you he is stupid and weak.) Kudos for making it this far, and I can't wait to see you in Vegas--remember, "What happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas," and my lips are sealed... or open, if ya know what I mean.

Enzo

I am not gonna beat around the bush: I don't really like you. Of the remaining three in your alliance, you were absolutely the worst player. Your diary room sessions disgust me when you claim to be so smart and a mastermind that got yourself so far in the game. Puke!

Watching you play in competitions actually makes me feel uncomfortable, because I am so embarrassed for you. I also have to ask why the hell you proclaim yourself as the "Meow Meow." Is it because your hair resembles a pussy (both Pussy Cat and Vagina work with that joke)? Nobody who is cool gives themselves a nickname, nor do they brag about how awesome they are, unless you're Jessie from season 10 and 11--and he is only tolerated for his ridiculous shock value. We have all had this moment when Jessie appears: rolling eyes and, "Oh no, not him again! Why do they keep bringing him back?"

I am trying to be professional--although I am sucking at it--and just tell you my opinion for you going forward. Hope and pray to God that someone keeps you for the final three, and you miraculously make it through so that you can go home with your $50,000--but please don't brag about it. You made it as someone's "easy to beat," not due any skill or talent, as you posses none.

Britney

Wow, the only girl to make it this far in Big Brother 12. I should do a little research and figure out if this is the first time only one girl has made it to the final 6--no, actually I don't really care.

As for you sister, way to go. I like you--you have basically played this game all alone, with a little help from Lane from time to time, and beat the odds to make it. You can win comps when needed, and right now all I have to say is "You better win that fucking POV on Wednesday!" You are in a good position. If you can win POV, Hayden will most likely put up Lane because he has more of a bond with Enzo, and he already knows Enzo is easiest to beat in the final 3.

What you really need to focus on is winning that POV and, as sad as it is, let your boy Lane go. He is the toughest competitor you have right now, and I know you wanna be true and loyal--those are two qualities that have proven over and over to ensure a loss in the game of Big Brother.

With that being said, I will say to all the HGs remaining (whether I like you or not): Good job on making it this far! Regardless of whether you made it on your own merit or someone else's you are in the final 4, which is not easy. Hey, I should know--I was out week 2! Wednesday night should be very exciting, and I will be watching and tweeting all of you my minute by minute opinions. Also, one last note: do you wanna meet these houseguests? Meet most of the cast of Season 12, as well as HGs from all seasons--including your favorite gay cowboy--at the Vegas Bash by going to www.vegasbash2010.com and buying your tickets now!

Next time you hear from me, it will be a recap and my opinion on who the Jury will choose to win season 12 of Big Brother!