Gay Suspect? They Can Come Out Now!

by Frank J. Avella

EDGE Media Network Contributor

Friday November 26, 2021
Originally published on November 3, 2021

Kit Harington, Audrey Hepburn and KJ Apa
Kit Harington, Audrey Hepburn and KJ Apa  

THWACK! Superman and Robin are bisexual! Okay, is anyone surprised about Robin? Especially those of us who grew up watching "Batman" TV reruns? Those tights alone. It is nice to know for sure, but does that mean Robin and Batman have hooked up? And now that Superman is bi, is Clark Kent on board with it? Or is it just some type of Super kink where he only does guys when he has the cape on? Or maybe it's a Justice League power/sex turn-on when he's around Aquaman and Wonder Woman?

Sexual fluidity has always been a thing, going all the way back to the Ancient Greeks and Romans. They created gods and goddesses (the first Western iconic figures) that were of every sexual variety, and did it with whomever they wished, since that's exactly how the Athenians and Roman patricians in power behaved.

And in the early days of Hollywood, many of the stars slept with whomever they wanted to. Most of the ladies were open about it: Garbo, Dietrich and Bankhead made no bones about loving both men and women.

We at EDGE became fascinated with the notion of revered fictional characters being allowed to experiment with same-sex experiences (as well as the non-fictional stars that play them), so we thought we would create our own wish list that spans decades — and mediums.

So, with respect to the already gay-suspect Peter Pan, Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse, and, well, we could go on... here is a list of popular fictional cultural figures we would like to see admit their deep-seated desire for members of their own sex (or for one another, as the case may be).

KJ Apa and Cole Sprouse
KJ Apa and Cole Sprouse  

Archie & Jughead

This pair have had more than a little homoerotic tension going on, especially as portrayed on the CW's "Riverdale" by the forever shirtless KJ Apa and the bookish Cole Sprouse (and also in the comics, by the way). It's time they act on that sexual energy. Betty (Lili Reinhart) and Veronica (Camila Mendes) have already shared a kiss — it's high time the boys do the same! Kevin (Casey Cott) can look on in disbelief and excitement.

Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance
Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance  

Lucy & Ethel

Who really loves Lucy? It's high time Lucy (Lucille Ball) and Ethel (Vivian Vance) just did it already — right there in the wine barrel with all the grapes flying! We all know Ethel can't stand Fred (William Frawley), and Lucy is only with Ricky (Desi Arnaz) to be in the show. The only chemistry on "I Love Lucy" was between Lucille Ball and Vivian Vance, as I'm sure will be the case in the new film "Being the Ricardos," with Nicole Kidman and Nina Arianda. Baba your own Lu, Ricky!

Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall
Cindy Williams and Penny Marshall  

Laverne & Shirley

Are there any doubts that in the real world Laverne Defazio (Penny Marshall) and Shirley Feeney (Cindy Williams) are canoodling together at the drive-in while Lenny (Michael McKeon) is doing Squiggy (David L. Lander) in the back seat? I mean, Marshall is pretty butch on a good day (I know, stereotype, but it's true), and Williams is too fun and sassy for Eddie Mekka's Carmine Ragusa! (It doesn't matter that the ladies didn't get along — it would make for even more fun make-up sex.) The first line of the opening song is, "We're gonna do it," so do it already, oh!

Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner
Leonard Nimoy and William Shatner  

Spock & Kirk

OK, Trekkie/Trekker/Trekkite geeks, take a breath. But seriously, has there ever been more homoerotic love in a short-lived but ridiculously popular TV series than between Captain James T. Kirk and his Vulcan first officer, Spock? Such longing looks and knowing glances. I know the show's gay was George Takei's Sulu, but if William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy weren't deliberately playing up the queer subtext in the series and films, then maybe we need to visit the holodeck to ask Freud some questions about latency. Beam us to Uranus! (Too soon?)

The fictional character of Darth Vader
The fictional character of Darth Vader  

Darth Vader

Didn't Darth Vader always feel just a little gay? He looked so clean. And so shiny. And he was so take-charge! We all know he sired Luke and Leia, but many a gay man has had children. Then, when we finally saw him as a youth, sans mask — as hottie Hayden Christensen — his sensitivity and feminine side really manifested. So, Anakin Skywalker, we think it's time for you to step out of that intergalactic closet already. Perhaps admit to that affair you had with Obi-Wan (Ewan MacGregor — already pushing the bi-button) and fly your villainous queer flag. Add a little color to that black. The Empire will understand. And if they don't, there's always that famous death grip.

Kit Harington
Kit Harington  

Jon Snow

Jon Snow, as played by Kit Harington on "Game of Thrones," is a bit awkward when it comes to women — and when he does give himself completely to someone, it turns out to be his own aunt, Daenerys (Emilia Clarke)! Sure, he had a wild thing going on with Wildling Ygritte (Rose Leslie), but since Snow's no stranger to incest (and he was assumed to be a bastard), perhaps it's time the real reason for his contentious relationship with Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) be revealed, perhaps in one of the legion of new "GOT" prequels. Their torrid and violent affair might have prompted Snow to join the Night's Watch and live with, well, men only...

Vivien Leigh
Vivien Leigh  

Scarlett O'Hara

In "Gone with the Wind," the iconic heroine Scarlett O'Hara (the brilliant Vivien Leigh) spends most of the near-four-hour running time chasing after milquetoast Ashley Wilkes (Leslie Howard), while letting cynical Rhett Butler (dashing Clark Gable) romance her. But is it enough for Scarlett? And before you get any sapphic Melanie (Olivia de Havilland) ideas, Scarlett saw her as "a paleface mealy-mouth ninny!" We think Scarlett would find her place in the world shacking up with Belle Watling (Ona Munson), the town madame. Belle owns her own brothel, so there's a lot to respect. Scarlett and Belle could open their own house of prostitution on Tara and the two could live quite prosperously, giving a damn about one another.

Audrey Hepburn
Audrey Hepburn  

Holly Golightly

Holly Golightly in Truman Capote's novella "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is an escort of sorts. In Blake Edwards' film version, and as portrayed by the legendary Audrey Hepburn, the "of sorts" part blurs quite a bit. The film forces Holly to search for rich married men, and then be straight for George Peppard, (who in the novel may not be all that straight himself). As conceived by Capote, Holly is more flexible, and even discusses crushing on Garbo. At the end of the film she delivers the famous line, "I'm not Holly, I'm not Lulu Mae either, I don't know who I am." Well, we say it's the 1960s; time to not worry about who you are, just go out there and have some fun — with men, with women, with whomever you want! No more mean reds. And no more forced heterosexuality!

Timothée Chalamet
Timothée Chalamet  

Willy Wonka

While Gene Wilder's portrayal of Willy Wonka in the 1971 Mel Stuart film "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" might not have been très gay, his Willy was creepy and a wee too attached to Charlie (Peter Ostrum) for comfort. Tim Burton's "Charlie and Chocolate Factory" (2005) took weird to an entirely new level, with Johnny Depp making one wonder why Freddie Highmore's Charlie didn't run screaming out of the screen, "Purple Rose of Cairo"-style. Now that delicious Timothée Chalamet is stepping into the Wonka shoes, how's about we find Willy an age-appropriate beau, and they can splash around in the chocolate together? Bowen Yang was such a fab Proud Gay Oompa Loompa a few weeks ago on "SNL." We nominate him.

The fictional characters of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers
The fictional characters of Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers  

Freddy & Jason & Michael

It seems it will be impossible to kill Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers as long as audiences pay to witness their kind of continuous, nonsensical carnage. "Halloween Kills" just resurrected Michael Myers. Voorhees took on Krueger in 2003's "Freddy vs. Jason." It's time for all three to come together. Literally. Call it "A Friday the 13th Halloween Nightmare Gang Bang." We begin with the expected group of hottie teens, who then turn the tables and trap these lunatic murderers in some sort of inescapable pit (bring in Thor and Captain America to help — there's a bi couple, by the way) and have Sandra Bullock arrive with a love potion. Sprinkle. Masks and pants come off! And then watch the three fuck each other to death (or to near death). But let's be smart and superficial, and recast the homicidal trio with Hollywood hunks so we're not too grossed out. Nicholas Hoult is Michael. Colin Morgan is Jason. Jake Gyllenhaal is Freddy.

Frank J. Avella is a film journalist and is thrilled to be writing for EDGE. He also contributes to Awards Daily and is the GALECA East Coast Rep and a Member of the New York Film Critics Online. Frank is a recipient of the International Writers Residency in Assisi, Italy, a Bogliasco Foundation Fellowship, and a NJ State Arts Council Fellowship. His short film, FIG JAM, has shown in Festivals worldwide (figjamfilm.com) and won awards. His screenplays (CONSENT, LURED, SCREW THE COW) have also won numerous awards in 16 countries. He is a proud member of the Dramatists Guild. https://filmfreeway.com/FrankAvella https://muckrack.com/fjaklute