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Hedda Dishes Drag Race :: Zombies!

by Hedda Lettuce
Tuesday May 1, 2012

Hello Gentle Americans. I know I said I would not watch the final episode of "RuPaul's Drag Race." Sadly I found myself tied to a chair, eyelids held open with toothpicks, and a gun pointed to my head in front of my 90-inch flat screen TV.

Oh, it was nothing threatening my dears; I just had my Italian lover Vinny over for some fun. Vinny loves role-play and tonight it was my turn to be tied to a chair, pistol whipped, and asked, "Where's the money?" Of course I never say where it is and he has to fuck the information out of me... 5 or 6 times.

I would have preferred to be pistol whipped, for real, than watch 'Drag Race.' God it was just terrible! Drag Queens have become so earnest and grateful that I wanted to pretend I was in Vietnam, take a machete, and chop the queens down like bamboo shafts. First off, who is the makeup artist for the show? All the girls looked like they are aliens on a "Star Trek" episode; heavy eye makeup and noses shaded to an inch of their lives, gave their faces a creepy morgue like texture.

They truly looked like drag zombies!

The creepiest of the bunch, Wilam, looked like she was about to drop dead from a heroin overdose. She thought she was so smart when she coined the phrase, "Ru-pologize." I just picture her sitting in her piss-stained bed, paper and pen in hand, trying to come up with something witty to burp out on stage. Surely, all eight brain cells left in her head took weeks to come up with that one.

Here is one of my own: Lettuce rise to the Hedda the class. Yuk, yuk, yuk! Top that you stupid bitch. Do I really believe Wilam was booted off the show because of conjugal visits? Hell no! I do believe someone visited her in her hotel room, but I don’t believe it was her boyfriend; It was either her pimp or drug dealer.

I wanted to tear off Milan’s wig, with her head attached, when she was asked by RuPaul, "What do you say when people criticize you for taking your wig off on the show?"
In all seriousness, as if she was god damned Maria Callas, she responded," They just don’t understand my artistic expression." Oh please girl! I didn’t know being an idiot was now called ’artistic expression’. Your drag card should be revoked!

The top three queens: Phi-Phi O’Hara, Chad Michaels, and Sharon Needles all looked like drag queens you would find in a C-list bar somewhere in the Midwest. What happened? Phi-Phi obviously has been eating her feelings; gaining at least 10 pounds since the show began. What was going on with her hair? A big white cotton ball on her head made her look Lady Bunny’s sister. Phi-Phi must I teach you how to sit on a chair? I know your natural instinct is to have your legs open like a trucker, but any lady knows she should gently cross them at the ankles.

Sharon Needles’ black and white wig (out of the box) looked like it was adorned with a large guitar pick. There was no theatrical design quality to it, as if it was made out of cardboard in a grade school arts and crafts class. Her dress tried to shine with just a hint of glitter, but looked dull on TV. Once again, painting black lips so far over the line looks as if you rimmed Eddie Murphy in the back of his Lexus.

Chad Michaels what was with that dress! I know your boyfriend sees you as his human Barbie, but please tell him to take a few design lessons. The color and print were not appropriate for a grand finale. It was a lovely dress to meet and greet in, but the dress should have been bright and colorful like Chad’s persona. And the curtain you sewed to the bottom of the gown, let’s just say, should be drawn.

As I predicted Sharon Needles would win; what will she do with her crown I am not sure? I still don’t know what she does on stage, other than looking like she is possessed by Hitler’s spirit. Surely she will blow through that $100,000 on blow, booze and fake blood. If she comes to a club near you save your money, shutter the windows and hide the children. That being said, Sharon, call me and let’s have lunch. The monkey brains are on me.

Stay fresh,
Hedda Lettuce

Hedda Lettuce is NYC premier Drag Comic. Hedda has appeared with the likes of Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, Vanessa Williams and Madonna on such television shows as Project Runway, Sex and the City, The Tyra Banks Show, the MTV Movie Awards and Ugly Betty. Hedda is one of the stars of The Sundance Channel’s new reality show-Garo Unleased and was on LOGO’s DRAGTASTIC! Hedda’s film appearances include: The Look (Carol Alt), Too Wong Foo, GO GO CRAZY from the producers of The Big Gay Musical, Violet Tendencies and Musical Chairs. She has been in numerous Off-Broadway shows and her annual holiday show-Lettuce Rejoice-has been a sold out event for the past ten years. Miss Lettuce has also had the pleasure of working with many high-profile charity events. For the past ten years, Hedda has been hosting a classic movie night, at the Clearview Chelsea Cinemas. This past June, Miss Lettuce celebrated her 11th anniversary hosting classic films at the legendary Ziegfeld Theater.


  • booboome, 2012-05-20 23:19:57

    I simply love you! For everyone else when ur done reading Hedda go to to read other fantastic blogs and join the forum!

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