Columnists » Mickey Weems

Dick Cheney: Gays and (his) Eternal Damnation

by Mickey Weems
Wednesday Jun 10, 2009

News flash: there is evidence that Dick Cheney has an eternal soul. Or at least he thinks he has one, and that he believes it is in serious danger of burning forever in a lake of fire.

For years, Cheney has been like so many of his neo-conservat friends: never wrong, aggressive when they think they can get away with it, and subservient when they have to be. Morality is a tool for the acquisition of power. Nobody's suffering is worth more than one's own pride.

Such qualities can be found in politicians of every stripe, but rarely have they been so blatantly obvious as when we examine Cheney's climb to power.

He chaired Bush Junior's committee to find a proper running mate, and then picked himself. He betrayed a member of the CIA in order to punish her husband for producing evidence that the Cheney-Bush administration was lying about Iraq's capacity for weapons of mass destruction. He authorized torture of helpless prisoners to produce evidence, when no evidence was forthcoming, about an Iraq-Al Qaeda connection. He would not invite his own daughter, Mary Cheney, on stage with him and his family during the 2004 Republican Convention for fear she would bring her wife.

But recently, he has publicly supported Gay marriage, an issue he repeatedly dodged during his tenure as V-POTUS.

The Triple Crown of Damnation

To be fair, Cheney has said repeatedly that he is not against Gay marriage. But he did so quietly, and towed the line of former president Bush about the "one man, one woman" sacred cow.

But perhaps fear of damnation has loosened his tongue.

Cheney may have been reading Dante's Inferno in which Dante travels to Hell and sees how the damned are punished forever with some majorly enhanced interrogation techniques.

The last circle of Hell is dedicated to traitors: those who betray kinfolk, country, and guest. In the center of Hell is Satan, trapped in a lake of ice. He is an unholy trinity of a demon with three heads, each mouth devouring a traitor, including Judas, the fallen disciple who sold out Jesus for 30 pieces of silver.

Cheny must have realized he qualifies for all 4 positions. He betrayed Mary, his own Lesbian daughter, and Lynn, the mother who bore her, by publicly distancing himself from his own blood kin at a moment in American history that truly could have made a difference. When Bush-Cheney supporter Harry Whittington went on a hunt as Cheney's guest, Cheney shot Whittington in the face and chest, then allowed the victim to apologize for getting in the way. So much for honoring the guest-host relationship.

Since Cheney is hypothetically an American, his country is his master, so betrayal of country would count as 2 of Dante's worst forms of traitor in this case. Cheney's time as VP is a roll-call of betrayal, including the sell-out of American troops so Halliburton/KBR could make obscene amounts of cash. I'm sure Cheney got much more than 30 pieces of silver.

Cheney will never admit that the first thing he did when the USA was attacked that terrible day in September 2001 was hide. Being the coward he is (multiple deferments from having to serve in Vietnam- he said he had better things to do), he cannot bring himself to admit the gross mismanagement that occurred during his watch. He even sent his rather inept daughter Liz to back him up in his lies. I guess the more intelligent Lez-daughter Mary was too controversial to drag into it.

But Cheney's belief in the legitimacy of torture may be his spiritual undoing. It makes sense for Cheney to sanctify torture because his God will torture stray humans for all eternity. And Dick certainly has strayed.

Every accident, every heart spasm, every visit to his high-paid doctors for complications arising from the myriad conditions that afflict him is a warning: there is a place prepared for the unrepentant sinner, Dick.

The Coming Christian Jihad

Most of the Bush-Cheney errors can be mopped up by the Obama administration. But the disastrous aftermath of 8 years pandering to bass-ackward Christian bigots is just beginning to show itself.

We can expect more idiots like ex-Miss California Carrie Prejean to speak out against Gay marriage. Despite a flurry of soft-porn photos taken of Miss California as a teenager and as an adult, despite lying about the significant number of such photos, despite her parents queer-bashing each other during their bitter divorce, and despite Prejean's mother dating another woman, Carrie still carries herself and her fake boobs as legitimate champions of Christian family values.

We can also expect domestic terrorists to kill-for-Christ those pro-choice providers who dare help women decide for themselves. Pro-life extremists are calling for martyrs willing to die for the unborn, a call that easily translates into violent tactics.

History has shown us time and again that those who are willing to die for a cause are often just as willing to harass, bully, beat and murder those they perceive to be The Enemy.

Right now, the focus has been doctors and agencies that perform late-term abortions. Our own home-grown domestic terrorists don't care whether there may be moral grounds for such procedures, just a line drawn without reason or mercy: Cross It And You Will Be Punished.

We have also seen an increase in violence against LGBTQ people, and a rise in hate crimes in general- case in point: domestic terrorism at DC's Holocaust Museum. Hate radio has been preparing the criminally insane army of God to fight back against not just abortion and Jews, but those who threaten the sanctity (read "exclusivity") of Straight marriage. And the violence goes all the way to grade-schoolers. Beat them if they do not conform to supposedly Christian gender and sexual orientation expectations.

Lesbian Abortionists

With the death of George Tiller, the landscape of pro-choice clinics will no doubt change. In Wichita, Kansas, it already has. His clinic was closed permanently after his assassination.

Two reasons Tiller was such a target for fanatics were his sexual orientation (Straight) and his religion (Christian). It is easy to harass those that you may consider part of your own tribe- it's call "in-group purification."

We can expect more clinics to be women-only, and even more with strong Lesbian support. The prominent presence of Lesbians could take pressure off those clinics since pro-life extremists are usually anti-Gay. The tactics used to intimidate clinic workers through public exposure and harassment would not be as effective because Lesbians are already morally questionable.

But things could go terribly bad for Queers of all denominations if Christian jihadists decide to target 2-for-1, abortionists-and-Gays. Heaven help you if you are pro-choice, Gay and Jewish; you're a walking hat-trick for hostile haters. As much of a sell-out as Mary Cheney is (like father, like daughter), even she wouldn't be able to stand idly by.

The sins of omission committed by her father when he let every opportunity pass by to stand up for her and for equal rights as God-given rights may yet have horrific results. When Dick appears before the Throne of the Almighty, not even Alberto Gonzalez will be able to get him off charges of gross negligence.

Thanks for Dick

Torture is on its way out. America is making friends once more with the rest of the world. Iraq will, hopefully, heal. But our biggest threat to national security is internal, thanks to the constant swill delivered by O'Reilly, Hannity, Limbaugh, Savage and a slew of on-the-air wanna-be's.

I for one am grateful to Dick Cheney for making the effort not to go into the next world with such a heavy karmic burden. Since I don't believe in eternal damnation (God's love is irresistible), I don't think he needs to worry about being eaten by Satan in a lake of ice.

But there is something to be said about shame, remorse, and reparation, regardless of whether or not anybody will burn in a lake of fire.

Dr. Mickey Weems is a folklorist, anthropologist and scholar of religion/sexuality studies. He has just published The Fierce Tribe, a book combining intellectual insight about Circuit parties with pictures of Circuit hotties. Mickey and his husband Kevin Mason are coordinators for Qualia, a not-for-profit conference and festival dedicated to Gay folklife. Dr. Weems may be reached at


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